


everything I thought I lost before (make me whole once more)

by theartofbeinganerd



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers 4 speculation, Birthdays, But also, F/M, Family Feels, Happy Ending, I Don't Normally Go Here, Is Obviously Not Permanent, Oh And The Character Death, Post Infinity War, also, my friend made me do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 08:19:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14786837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theartofbeinganerd/pseuds/theartofbeinganerd
Summary: After the events of Infinity War, Tony comes to the decision that it isn't worth it to celebrate his upcoming birthday, not with everything that he's lost, not when there isn't anything to celebrate.But, it isn't very long before everything has changed, including his mind - and, just in time for his birthday.*Set post IW, with A4 speculation





	everything I thought I lost before (make me whole once more)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt: "Hi you should make a lil ficlet for tony starks birthday tomorrow (May 29)", which was really just my friend wanting me to write Tony/Peter/Pepper family feels, so here you go Hayley, I hope you're happy ;D ♥
> 
> Titled is based on the song Pieces by Red

Ever since his first birthday after his parents had died, which he had spent alone for the very first time in his life, Tony had begun having bigger and bigger birthday parties to celebrate the occasion. He’d never wanted to feel that way again, had never wanted to spend another lonely birthday in a big empty house with only the memories of past celebrations with his family to fill the void. And so, the very next year, he’d started the tradition of filling his big empty house with people to get drunk and forget about everything with, even if he’d more often than not had no idea who half of them even were.

But, if Tony had thought that that birthday he spent by himself was lonely, he was now coming to realize that it couldn’t even compare to the feeling of being isolated on an alien planet, having just watched half a dozen people simply turn to _dust_ right before his eyes (he still had the kid’s dust, his _ash_ , on his palms, still had the words “ _I don’t want to go_ ” ringing in his ears). It was worse – _much_ worse.

However, this time he didn’t find himself wanting to solve it like he had as a kid, he didn’t want to surround himself with people, or to drink himself into a stupor so that he could forget about all of it for just a little while.

No, Tony just wanted…he wanted Pepper, and Happy, and Rhodey, and…and Peter, that was it.

And it was then that he realized; he didn’t even know if…what if they’d all turned to dust too? What if he actually _was_ all alone again?

The simple thought was too much for him to bear, and so Tony forced himself to push it aside immediately, or else it might pull him down into the depths of a despair that he hadn’t felt in a long time, and this time, he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to pull himself out of it. Not alone.

Instead, he focused on putting all of his energy into getting himself and the android girl (Nebula, he thought her name was) back to Earth, and back to whoever was left there. If he was being productive, if he was doing _something_ with his hands, with his mind, he wouldn’t break. He could hold together as long as he had something to hold together for.

And, just as soon as this mess had been handled, and just as soon as Thanos’s giant purple ass had been kicked and the universe had been avenged…the first thing that Tony was going to do was officially cancel his birthday, due to happen in just a week’s time now. After all, no matter who he found still alive back on Earth, with who he knew was _truly_ gone and with what they’d lost…it could simply never be enough.

-

As he stepped out onto one of the balconies off the Avengers compound, Tony could still hear the slightly dulled noise of the party inside, of those celebrating the ultimate defeat of Thanos and the return of their lost friends and allies (though, it was still slightly low-key as far as parties went, some of them still in mourning for those whose deaths hadn’t been reversed with their victory). He assumed that he would be missed by the others eventually, but he just had to take a moment by himself before he went back in there and had to put his playboy party animal image back on, before he had to make it seem as though he was just as unfazed by all of this as he was everything else.

He hadn’t been out there very long at all, however, when he heard, “I had a feeling that I’d find you out here.”

Though he didn’t turn to face her, a small smile ticked Tony’s lips up at the corners, and he replied with his usual dry wit, “Yeah, had to take a break from the Guardians before my eyes started watering – what, are there no showers in space?”

A hand slid along his bicep then, and he immediately relaxed into her touch, briefly closing his eyes and letting out a small, content sigh. “ _Tony_ ,” she murmured, knowingly, but with a note of concern in her tone.

“I’m just still…processing,” he assured her, brushing her worries off gently. “Don’t worry about it.”

Pepper gave a short scoff at that. “Asking me not to worry about you is like asking the Hulk not to be angry, or asking Thor not to be so good-looking.”

At first, Tony just nodded absently along with her words, but then he arched his eyebrows and finally turned to look at her, catching sight of her smirk even in the dim light spilling out from the party inside. “Wait, _what_?”

Ignoring him, as she was wont to do from time to time, though, Pepper went on, “I know that you’re going to need some time, and I’ll give you all of the space you need, Tony, but, I’m here.”

Even though Tony didn’t need the reminder, he was grateful for it – of course, Pepper had always been there (except when she wasn’t, but he tried his best not to think of that time), and she understood him so easily, so effortlessly, in a way that few other people in his life did. He reached up to fit his hand over hers, giving it a small squeeze to show her his gratitude.

Aloud, however, he pressed, “So, what is this about Thor being ‘ _good-looking_ ’? I mean, _hello_ , gorgeous fiancé standing _right here_.”

In response, she shot him that sly smirk again, then caught his hand within hers, twisting his wrist gently so that she could see his watch. After a beat, she leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek, murmuring, “Happy Birthday, Tony.” Surprised, he threw a glance of his own down at his watch, and she added, “It’s past midnight now.”

“Hey, I forgot your birthday was coming up!”

At the sound of the new voice, they both turned simultaneously, finding Peter just slipping through the door and out onto the balcony with them.

With an apologetic little grimace, Peter rushed to explain, “With everything going on, it just completely slipped my mind. So, uh…can I give you a raincheck on your present?” Then, his frown deepened, and he asked, “Um…is there anything you need, by the way? Maybe within the twenty dollar range? Or maybe ten – May cut my allowance as punishment for sneaking off on a spaceship without telling her. I mean, you’re a billionaire, so you probably have everything you need, but…” He paused, briefly, then snapped his fingers and muttered to himself, “Never enough coffee mugs.”

For a moment, both Tony and Pepper were quiet, but then Tony asked bluntly, “It’s midnight – isn’t it past your bedtime, kid? It’s a school night.”

Peter gaped at him, waving a hand back toward the party as he insisted, “But it’s an Avengers party, and _I’m_ an Avenger now!”

Pepper took a half-step forward then, resting a hand on Peter’s shoulder as she said warmly but firmly, leaving no room for argument, “I’ll let Happy know to be ready to drive you home in ten minutes.”

Peter’s lips turned down and his shoulders sagged slightly, but he still agreed lowly, “Yeah, okay, thanks Pepper.” Then, in a moment, he perked back up slightly and started, “Oh, Mr. Stark –”

Cutting him off abruptly, Tony told him flatly, “Do _not_ ask me how old I am.”

Holding up his hands and widening his eyes, Peter quickly shook his head. “No, I wasn’t going to! I just wanted to say Happy Birthday!”

“Oh.” Tony arched his eyebrows, then added, “Well, thanks, kid.”

“Hey, are you gonna have one of your big, famous parties this year? Can I come?” Peter asked hopefully, his eyes lighting up at the prospect.

Before Tony could answer, though, Pepper pointed out, “Peter, I really don’t think that May would approve of that.”

“But I’d be on my best behavior! _And_ I’d make sure to be home before midnight!”

“No, I don’t think so,” Tony interrupted the conversation, his tone speculative. Peter turned to him with his eyebrows raised in clear surprise, and Pepper even looked a bit taken aback. However, Tony glanced first through the glass doors of the balcony at all of his friends mingling and laughing and drinking together inside the compound, and then to Pepper and Peter there beside him, then told them, “We’ve already got a party going right here – all it needs is a cake and an ice sculpture of me and we’re all set.”

Pepper rolled her eyes fondly at his words, even as she found his hand with hers once more and twined their fingers together. As her thumb began to lightly stroke the back of his hand, he knew that she understand without him ever having to say a word that he couldn’t possibly ask for a better party than this one.

After all, why would he want to wait to celebrate his birthday with a couple hundred strangers when he could celebrate with everyone that he cared about right now?

“What?” Peter cried, his mouth dropping open in disbelief. “Now this is your birthday party _too_? If I ask May, can I stay a little longer? Just another hour?”

“I’ll talk to her,” Pepper offered warmly, “and I’ll see if I can swing twelve-thirty at least.”

As Peter began to thank her profusely, Tony just stood back for a moment and listened to them talking, heard Pepper’s soft laugh catching on the light spring breeze as she squeezed his hand gently, and caught the flash of Peter’s excited grin as he clasped his hands together eagerly. Even though he was still trying his best to get over the crushing feeling of watching people turn to dust right before him and being able to do nothing to help them, of thinking that half the universe was gone forever and he was all alone again, even though most nights he still woke up in a sweat, unable to breathe properly, staring at his hands and still seeing them coated in ash…

Well, he still couldn’t have asked for a better birthday than this one.

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me on tumblr - I'm theartofbeinganerd over there as well!


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